Thursday, December 22, 2016

Let's leave a mark here,
10 years of your life published for the world to see, Naj.
May you never forget all the wonderful memories and let go of the past that left a scar on you.

And when you're 32, come back here because knowing you, you will always love the past.
Please don't leave me, even when I'm in my sixties.

Everything Comes Back To You

When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you see?

I just spent the night watching The Danish Girl and The Theory Of Everything.
Both movies were starring Eddie Redmayne as the main lead.
I started to gain interest ever since Fantastic Beast.
Well, I've first watched him in Les Miserables but he was just that guy with very freckled face to me.
But he was pretty fantastic in Fantastic Beast. His ability to portray the shy but intelligent Newt Scamander has got me swoon.
Then Sha told me that he was the guy who played a girl in The Danish Girl and I was just taken aback.
All these while I thought that was Jennifer Garner and it was just another movie about sisterhood.
Boy, was I wrong.

So that's how I spent the night watching two of his movies.
And I ended up with so much thought.
How could a straight cis-gender male made those raw emotions so believable?
And then still be amazing as a guy acting like he really lose control of his muscles??
Oh how I adore his acting so much but I also really have to applaud the female roles in the movies for the emotions so real , I love it so much!
Well, how do you wake up and leave live when the one person you loved so much began to transform into something else permanently?
How do you even deal with such situation?
When you thought you loved him so much and that your marriage would be forever but it took a drastic turn.
And how men could easily choose to leave while the wife was left to bear it all.

And how was Redmayne so pretty and convincing as a woman?!
And as I looked in the mirror, I wanted to see myself as how he saw himself as a woman.
To be honest, I look at myself in the mirror most of the time.
Someday and at some point, I see this girl who has all she need to be pretty.
Then I start seeing the scars and acne marks on her face and I start to feel really ugly.

The point is, most of the time I forget how blessed I am.
Blessed is a word I don't often use this year cos I simply forgot.
How easy it is for humans to forget.
All I ever thought of was when I wasn't feeling happy.
But I forgot of times when I was blessed to smile and laugh, buy all the things I wanted, travel to places I wanted to visit.

While other people are/were struggling to survive, I'm standing here and healthy, just feeling low about the life and looks I was blessed with.
How ungrateful we are as humans.
How ungrateful I am.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Live Life Dangerously

I haven't posted since forever.

Anyway, just got back from Freshmen Bonding Camp by SIM MCMS.
I'm just disappointed in myself that I had to leave early but I guess it's for the best.
Best for me to recover, and that I wouldn't be a burden to my group members or the committee of fbc2k16.

All I can say is that I feel so blessed.
That the people there are really caring towards me.
I kept thinking, why did I even feel this unwell?
It's not the worst I ever felt but it's definitely not a good feeling.
To be sick and then feel so weak when other people are losing sleep but they still take care of you.

Anyway, on Friday, everything was fine.
I had my breakfast and lunch with the kids, then dinner with the campers.
I was alright, I could participate in the activities without a problem.
So we had a game of tic-tac-toe and also a night walk after.
Then we got to Masjid Taqua in the east, washed up and sleep.

Eventually slept close to 2am.
Didn't take out my sleeping bag cos I thought I could do without it.
Then I started feeling cold, and I could feel the cold air seeping through my body.
And I started feeling nauseous, and a pain started to form in my left abdomen.
Got up, went to the toilet convincing myself, maybe I needed to let go.
Took quite awhile and nothing came out.

Then I went to sink and just waited.
Then most of my dinner came out. Thought I was done, so I went back to the room to sleep.
I still was uncomfortable then.
Rolled around, changed my sleeping position, I was still feeling sick in the stomach.
Got up to go to the toilet again, and this time, I had to run cos everything came out before I got to the sink.

I felt really horrible.
And I was so tired by then.
After that, it was a series of "ok, tak ok" cos at some moment I was feeling fine, then the next moment, I started to feel nauseous again.
Had a few bites during breakfast cos I didn't want to vomit again.
Then it was a lecture series which I couldn't pay attention in due to the things that's happening in my body.

After that we went out for Amazing Race.
Started out feeling nauseous.
Then I was I alright.
I could participate in the games and everything.
Till we got to Masjid Sultan.
After the games, I started feeling nauseous again.

Probably it was the heat that's overpowering me.
Maybe I was close to having a heat exhaustion?
Then with a heavy heart, I chose not to continue in the race.
I knew that Kallang was our last station but I just don't want to slow my team.
And having them to constantly take care of me cos I feel like such a burden.

So I went back to the mosque.
Slept, fully rested.
Joined back with my team and we had group time.
They Maghrib, I slept cos my body was heating up.
After I woke up, I knew I was having a fever cos I felt so lethargic and my cheeks were warmer.
Then it was group time till Isya' by which after that would be the BBQ.

And I was so sad that I couldn't be with my group nor the bbq cause I was trying to recover from the fever quickly.
I realised that I didn't eat much.
By then I was hungry but I was also nauseous and it was just frustrating for me.

They asked me to go home several times and at first I said no, I want to stay till the end of camp.
I tried to eat something but I knew I was gonna throw up.
I kept thinking that if I'm still sick the next day, what's the point of staying.
All I will be is an extra job for the committee, my group and facis to take care of me and also I need to be well by Monday for training.
And my facis were feeling unwell themselves.
So with another heavy heart, I chose to break camp early.

In the ride back home, at one point I started puking again.
And so maybe being home is the right decision.

I'm still recovering.
Feeling much much much better than yesterday.
Just that I'm really hungry and tried to ate a pear but that was not a good taste in my throat.
It's just sad that I don't get to feel the camp vibes cos this sickness kept me away from most of the camp stuff.

I'm just hoping all of these bugs will go away soon.
Hope to see those campers in school and that I will remember them and we will acknowledge each other.

Thursday, April 07, 2016

I've Been Losing So Much Time

What day is it and in what month?
Oh yes, it's already the 7th of April of 2016.

By now, I have two more addition to my list of babies since my last post.
And I've turned 22 plus I also went to Korea for the second time.
Yes, alhamdulillah. My wish to be in Everland again was fulfilled!

When I first started this blog, I was 12 and posting anything that I could.
10 years has passed and believe me, I've always wanted to post something at any chance I could get.
The problem is now, there's either too much or nothing at all happening in my life.
Yet, today, well recently, I've been getting all these flashbacks in my head and imaginations that made me think what the heck is wrong with me?

Probably the month has come or probably it's just me.
Sometimes, I can't even differentiate reality and my dreams.
I have had dreams that felt so real, I think I've been to places I have never been to before.

And these thoughts are making me a heck more emotional.
I mean try having memories of things you have never even done before..

Maybe I'm just thinking too much, maybe I just hoped too much, maybe I just dream too much.
Maybe it is true, when I'm bored, I just live in my own world.
Where I become who I want to be.
Where I say things I could only imagine saying to others.

How can I do this without me talking nonsense and sounding psychotic hahaha.

Okay let's drop this *drops mic*

Hahahah giler

Maybe I say that word too much it's actually coming to life.

Writing makes my head hurt. 😣

Ps. My first baby turns a year older today. 🎉🎉🎉

Tuesday, September 01, 2015

Hi, I realised I left this blog to rot.
And suddenly I looked back at photos on my Instagram and I realised, while I keep updating my other social media platform(and yes I reopened my twitter hahaha cos I couldn't help it plus now there's snapchat), this is the one place I should share my life story.
Not that I have an interesting life but maybe just I should share any celebration of life right here.
Because precious photos, we may lose it along the way so by placing it here, at least I'd know where to find it.

So, here it is, born on the 25th of Aug, my very own sister's first newborn,

It's amazing how Allah put so much strength in a mother.
To have a mother to carry another weight for nine months,
and when it's time, make her withstand the pain of contractions,
then having her to push a body out from a small hole which then will tear to a bigger one to make way for the small body to exit,
and lastly to stitch everything back into place.

No matter how tiny or big the mother is, Allah always give her strength to pull through.

I look at my sister and I'm taken aback.
Alhamdulillah, she managed to pull it through.
Despite everything, despite our thoughts of her, you'll know she is strong because she brought a newborn into this world.

I look at my mother and I'm blessed.
That she went through this for 5 times and never gave up on any of us.
Because the thing is, when they brought us into this world, they did have a thought of giving up.
But did they? Never.
And it all leads back to the strength that was given by Him.

And perhaps this given strength lasts throughout mothers' whole life.
Because after all, mothers are wonderwomen aren't they?
When things go sour, they always put up a strong front.
They stay as strong as they can so that we too could be strong.

p/s: Nayyirah is 7 days old so we had to shave her head, let go of her beautiful hair following an Islamic ritual.

p/p/s: I had no idea how to continue or end nicely but my point is women shouldn't be seen as a weaker gender anymore AT ALL.