Everything Comes Back To You

When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you see?

I just spent the night watching The Danish Girl and The Theory Of Everything.
Both movies were starring Eddie Redmayne as the main lead.
I started to gain interest ever since Fantastic Beast.
Well, I've first watched him in Les Miserables but he was just that guy with very freckled face to me.
But he was pretty fantastic in Fantastic Beast. His ability to portray the shy but intelligent Newt Scamander has got me swoon.
Then Sha told me that he was the guy who played a girl in The Danish Girl and I was just taken aback.
All these while I thought that was Jennifer Garner and it was just another movie about sisterhood.
Boy, was I wrong.

So that's how I spent the night watching two of his movies.
And I ended up with so much thought.
How could a straight cis-gender male made those raw emotions so believable?
And then still be amazing as a guy acting like he really lose control of his muscles??
Oh how I adore his acting so much but I also really have to applaud the female roles in the movies for the emotions so real , I love it so much!
Well, how do you wake up and leave live when the one person you loved so much began to transform into something else permanently?
How do you even deal with such situation?
When you thought you loved him so much and that your marriage would be forever but it took a drastic turn.
And how men could easily choose to leave while the wife was left to bear it all.


And how was Redmayne so pretty and convincing as a woman?!
And as I looked in the mirror, I wanted to see myself as how he saw himself as a woman.
To be honest, I look at myself in the mirror most of the time.
Someday and at some point, I see this girl who has all she need to be pretty.
Then I start seeing the scars and acne marks on her face and I start to feel really ugly.

The point is, most of the time I forget how blessed I am.
Blessed is a word I don't often use this year cos I simply forgot.
How easy it is for humans to forget.
All I ever thought of was when I wasn't feeling happy.
But I forgot of times when I was blessed to smile and laugh, buy all the things I wanted, travel to places I wanted to visit.

While other people are/were struggling to survive, I'm standing here and healthy, just feeling low about the life and looks I was blessed with.
How ungrateful we are as humans.
How ungrateful I am.
Astarghfirullah