I'll Never Speak Of Love If It Does Not Exist

Maybe it's not the right day or period.
Maybe I'm having pms.
Maybe it's just another obstacle I have to overcome.
Maybe it's just life.

I don't know what is it but today, I'm really tired.
Not that physically, I did much, I practically did nothing.
But there's just too much going on in my head.



First, the university application.
I know my chances are zero and I'm just too ashamed to admit that I have no hope and I should just do what's best which is to start working now.
But I really really hope that NIE would accept me because even if I know I can't teach, maybe I was born to do this you know.
I care too much about others, maybe I should just help them by becoming a teacher.
I also like to take charge if given the opportunity so maybe being a teacher is the best answer to my prayers?

I just really really hope I get accepted to NTU-NIE so badly that I don't care that I don't get in NUS like my siblings did but just...NIE, accept me please?

But again, have I made the right choices of course?
I'm sure everyone will scream at me for my choices in NUS but I just want to try my luck, I mean if I have scored better, that would be my first few choices too.
If not, appeal but NIE please give me a chance, I'll be a good teacher, I'll try!
(Gosh, if I really become one and my future students see this, I'm sorry but this is what you get when you don't work hard enough for your studies!)


Secondly, being a senior/extra in my previous CCAs just made me question a lot.
Why do I keep coming back if I constantly feel like I'm not needed there?
Why, Naj, why do you care so much for things you don't have to worry about?
I'm still coming back for both CCAs I've been to namely SJAB and MCS.

I guess for SJAB, I still come back because I know my friend is still there, someone who's an officer and she need support from past cadets for manpower sake.
And I guess, until she's gone or I'm really busy, I'll still be back to just see if there's anything I could do to help to make it like how it used to be.

As for MCS, probably because a friend is still there too.
And furthermore it's their SYF year so they need an outsider view and help to get through it.
I mean, if what they want to attain is the best, to get views from others would be the best.
And after the seniors are gone, that's when my senior alumni gig will end too.

So that answered my first question.
Now, I'm still wondering why do I care so much?
I don't know if that's just my nature or what (no ah don't think I'm trying to praise myself or anything like that) but sometimes I wish I could care lesser.
To be honest, I love both CCAs and whenever I see my juniors who grown into respectable adults, it's like that warm feeling parents would have to see their child do them proud.
But right now, I'm thinking of helping so much but I don't know if it would be worth it or it would be the right thing to do, I just...don't know.

But whatever I'm thinking of now and whatever views I get is from being a senior and that it's just different from how it was when I was still a member.
I mean my seniors would probably come down and see the same thing in me, in us, my batch but just that I've not heard of it.
It's all different when you are a part of it and when you are seeing as an outsider.

I just don't know if it's right to compare what I went through and what they are going through but somehow to see if there's a bit of hope for the future of the two CCAs would be good, you know.



But there's always something positive to everything.
Maybe, if I get to see it, my head will feel much better than this.