What Did I Want To Be

A lot about life has changed now.
I used to remember a lot of stuff, get more creative to design stuff, be more enthusiastic to make something new, something I knew people could appreciate.

Now,
I'm just like one sad lifeless soul, getting moody from time to time,bored so easily with what I do, no motivation or excitement to do what I was passionate in before.
You can thank the 10 years of education for that.
They just reap me off my mood, my belief, my passion, my everything.

I get more and more forgetful these days, often mad at myself for not getting something right, mad with the world cause I can't get what I want, blaming everything on the ever-aching stomach.

I just want to put a stop to this and get back the old me.
The me I used to know in 2008, being happy for people, only expressing my feelings with you, then tries to be fine again.
The me I used to know, knows how to laugh at the lamest joke comedians made.
The me I used to know love to do web-designing, write my hearts out in a book, tries to make something more me.

The me I now know is just plain boring and always sad, moody and angry.

I used to have a remedy for this but now, I'm getting sick of watching the same remedy.







Why did I have to think so much about life, worry so much about what I've lost, and not imagine the future I wanted.

I'm sixteen and soon turning seventeen.
I'm paying for my own bills because I'm afraid to tell my father about my exploding bills due to the mobile date(stupid singtel).
I'm going to a new place next year, have to make new friends and meet new people.
I'm not cut out for all this maturity.

I still want to be the childish, spoilt brat who gets what she wants by asking her dad.
I still want to go out with my parents without paying a single cent.
I still want to receive money during raya and save them so I can spend them after that.
I want to be able to do all that without anybody asking to pay up such big amounts that I could almost not afford.
I still want to be me. The kid in me I know, so badly.



When my kindergarten teacher asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would say a teacher indefinitely.
I lived 12 years with the passion to teach people what I know.
I taught my bears, my cousins, myself.
Then came to Sec 3, I realised how much pain these teachers suffered to teach us.
How much time they spend with us, trying to get to know us better, wanting us to score better.
Seeing how a teacher was not ready to let go of a class she has taught for five years was depressing.
And I'm not those type of people who's easy to let go.
I wonder how much time they spend at home with their family each time there's night study.
Then I decided, I did not want to be a teacher.


So I wanted to be an architect like mum.
Designing buildings for corporate workers.
Sooner I realised, I can't draw well, I don't like to design for anybody else other than myself.
So I put my architect ambition aside.






So now, I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up.
The thing is, I don't even want to grow up.
I don't want to have to face with bitchy people and backstabbing liars.
But then again, maybe it's just the tv shows making everything so exaggerated.
Oh well.