Live your life, ♥

There's a reason why I don't tell my plans to anyone till it happens. I kinda planned this week for me. It is my birthday week after all. I wanted to post a 10 years vs now on my birthday, I wanted to try something new, I wanted to get a solo staycation where I could watch 2D1N all day, sleep as much, do whatever I wanted. Out of all that, I only got 1 of it done. I don't even have the feels. So on my birthday had my final presentation for my bridging course. Spent the whole day finishing my report. And my brain was so consumed by how busy I was, I didn't even get to enjoy the day. I'm still thankful tho for wonderful principal and colleagues. My family, especially my sister for wanting to make it special for me. My 61 geng who gave wonderful gifts. In 2024, the year I turned 30. The same thing happened. I planned for a solo trip to Seoul. Oh well, I still got all things done. Well, most of it. I got to see Nayoung on the eve of my birthday, I got to...

I always have a hard time letting go of things. I recently bought a new phone with much doubts. I was wondering if this is worth it cos my phone was still fine. I had a hard time to change and transfer things over to new phone. And then it happened. Yesterday, it died on me halfway through the day. I was forced to manage without it. Meanwhile, I was giving all my reasons for not transferring the phone over. "There's no case. There's no cover." So we walked around in search of it. I saw a few, not much but okay. Still a feeling of reluctance. I still love my old phone and didn't want to let go. But today, my clumsiness got the best of me. After dancing with the kids, I took the ipad beside the phone. Without realising, they actually got entangled. And a few seconds after, disaster strikes. Boom, Crash, down went my phone. My heart broke, so is the glass of my phone. No time to mourn, placed it aside and continued my lesson. ape ni not interesting langsu...

An update after months or years. 2021. Hahaha what are we doing here? Oh well anyway, wanted to blog about the disaster that was yesterday. The first thing that happened as I came to work was that I spilled soap all over my uniform in the first few minutes of work. I'm just a clumsy jokester! Then everything went alright with a little hiccups and shouting. By lunch time, it was total chaos. The number of times I screamed and raised my voice when I'm not supposed to. The number of attention seeking actions, I was just raging at that point. Thank god for help. Then another big spill. Another chaos. Another screaming session. I was just glad to get the peace and quiet by 12pm. I was savouring the moment. Tried to calm myself back again. Just rest it off, recharge. Though I knew nothing work hahaha. I'm still tired deep down. Just at the end of the day I'm thankful. A drink by the boss. Yet another treat from the friend. Talk about life. A little emotiona...

You know, I've abandoned this blog for a long time.  Although I already had 3 posts this year, which was more than in 2017 when I totally didn't update anything at all...  Still, it didn't feel like I was ever back.  Anyway guess what, so many events happened in the span of 7 months, since the start of this year.  Well, there's the world issues: WW3, fires, floodings, politics, fighting for rights  Then there's my issues.  Which is nothing actually but me constantly stressing over life and NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT BUT JUST LIKE CONTINUE DOWN TO THE ROAD OF THE DAMNED???   Okay, being a little bit dramatic.  But case in point, I actually have to prepare a presentation, build a website and get things going in my life..  Yet, I'm just here.  (Cos actually I was looking for ways to build a better website and missed those times when I customised my own blogskin and then I started to miss blogging. Okay, I digressed. But really, where's all...

Most days, I just want to quit and drop everything. I don't want it to be something I have to do in a short amount of time. I don't want questions to be directed and having to come up with answers with uncertainties. I don't want to live. Nor do I want to die. I just want to not exist for a few days. Falling behind. Falling apart. And is it even worth it in the end? I'm doing so little and complaining too much. My gosh. I'm just horrible in every possible way. Is it too late to quit? Is it too late to try? Why do I keep telling myself it's too late. I just need somebody to talk to. Before it's all too late.

I just want to post this before it's over. Turning 26 is crazy. Suddenly I feel old, all those memories of the past are useless, all those achievements last year were worthless. Birthday didn't feel so good anymore. It's like I'm just accepting the face that I'm a little older than I was before. And like, I don't know, unmotivated towards life. Sometimes I wonder if it's because of the things that happened last year or it's just a burn out stage where I'm taking a break before charging full speed ahead. Maybe it's because my student life is ending and my real adult life is fast approaching and I haven't really gotten all the things I thought I would do before going to the working world. Maybe I'm just scared that I have reached the peak and there's no more check points after this? I know this is untrue but man, I wish I felt differently. But don't get me wrong. I'm still very much contented and thankful and...

Just saw an article about pottery classes and suddenly it brought me back to my primary school days when I actually was in Art Club. Don't remember who I joined with or how even did I get Art Club as a CCA for one year (or part of P5 year) but maaaan, I might have been alone (maybe I have that one friend that got me to join) and I specifically remember skipping some because none of my cliques were in it so going for classes were quite tough. Questioning how I went through it if there wasn't anybody pushing me to join. At Primary 5? The first of being alright to be alone?? Also, I know that's where I did my first clay art and learn things about clay sculpture (similar to pottery making and hence this post). And hey, this was just a random post but sometimes I surprise myself with my past, like do you believe I was as such cos I sure don't believe it too.

Haven't been here for a long while. Where did the year go? What have I accomplished? (Quite a few to be honest, but is it worth it?) I'm not at the best state of mind. Been dealing with negativity for the past few days. And my heart... It is filled with a constant pain. An ache. A void that I can't seem to fill. I keep telling myself to stop being stupid. Stop putting my heart on the line. Stop feeling for things that don't matter in the end. And I could feel it hurting. How do I put an end to this?

I had too many drafts that I never ended up publishing. Anyway, this year seems like a big year? Not like big in any way, but a progressive year for me. Found a job (have yet to start, will start in Monday or any time next week GAHH) and I am also an assistant project director for INTRO 2019! I know, I'm supposed to be out of school already, but maybe it's also a blessing in disguise. Like I really wanted to do this since years ago and finally, I'm being presented with this opportunity that I will not say no to. Funny though, I wasn't initially thought to be an APD but I guess Alhamdulillah I got promoted. Trying my best to give my best and to do my best for this show. It's terrifying. All these while, I've been watching from the other side, thinking "I'm glad it's not me because I don't think I can pull through" I know it's contradicting. Like one moment, I really want to be an APD and yet when I observe other people doing...

Truly missed. I miss the simple things like meeting my friends, miss the busy period and stress of being in a production, miss seeing those faces. Yet, I'm thankful that my dad is still alive, that Allah put us through quite a bit of a challenge that we could overcome. Being blessed is an understatement. It's hard to put it out in words what I'm feeling. I don't feel stressed, maybe just a little tired and also sad(?) Is it alright for me to feel as such? I mean why should I feel sad when my dad is recovering? Other people are going through worse and at least I could still see my dad everyday. Why should I feel tired of waking up early, get ready and be by my father's side daily till the end of visiting hour? Other normal working/studying person has to wake up at subuh on a daily basis only to return near midnight even. So why am I feeling as such? Is it okay to not feel THAT okay? Oh the power of social media and the art of sharing. Every tim...

Let's leave a mark here, 10 years of your life published for the world to see, Naj. May you never forget all the wonderful memories and let go of the past that left a scar on you. And when you're 32, come back here because knowing you, you will always love the past. Please don't leave me, even when I'm in my sixties.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you see? I just spent the night watching The Danish Girl and The Theory Of Everything. Both movies were starring Eddie Redmayne as the main lead. I started to gain interest ever since Fantastic Beast. Well, I've first watched him in Les Miserables but he was just that guy with very freckled face to me. But he was pretty fantastic in Fantastic Beast. His ability to portray the shy but intelligent Newt Scamander has got me swoon. Then Sha told me that he was the guy who played a girl in The Danish Girl and I was just taken aback. All these while I thought that was Jennifer Garner and it was just another movie about sisterhood. Boy, was I wrong. So that's how I spent the night watching two of his movies. And I ended up with so much thought. How could a straight cis-gender male made those raw emotions so believable? And then still be amazing as a guy acting like he really lose control of his muscles?? Oh how I adore hi...

I haven't posted since forever. Anyway, just got back from Freshmen Bonding Camp by SIM MCMS. I'm just disappointed in myself that I had to leave early but I guess it's for the best. Best for me to recover, and that I wouldn't be a burden to my group members or the committee of fbc2k16. All I can say is that I feel so blessed. That the people there are really caring towards me. I kept thinking, why did I even feel this unwell? It's not the worst I ever felt but it's definitely not a good feeling. To be sick and then feel so weak when other people are losing sleep but they still take care of you. Anyway, on Friday, everything was fine. I had my breakfast and lunch with the kids, then dinner with the campers. I was alright, I could participate in the activities without a problem. So we had a game of tic-tac-toe and also a night walk after. Then we got to Masjid Taqua in the east, washed up and sleep. Eventually slept close to 2am. Didn't tak...

What day is it and in what month? Oh yes, it's already the 7th of April of 2016. By now, I have two more addition to my list of babies since my last post. And I've turned 22 plus I also went to Korea for the second time. Yes, alhamdulillah. My wish to be in Everland again was fulfilled! When I first started this blog, I was 12 and posting anything that I could. 10 years has passed and believe me, I've always wanted to post something at any chance I could get. The problem is now, there's either too much or nothing at all happening in my life. Yet, today, well recently, I've been getting all these flashbacks in my head and imaginations that made me think what the heck is wrong with me? Probably the month has come or probably it's just me. Sometimes, I can't even differentiate reality and my dreams. I have had dreams that felt so real, I think I've been to places I have never been to before. And these thoughts are making me a heck more emot...

Hi, I realised I left this blog to rot. And suddenly I looked back at photos on my Instagram and I realised, while I keep updating my other social media platform(and yes I reopened my twitter hahaha cos I couldn't help it plus now there's snapchat), this is the one place I should share my life story. Not that I have an interesting life but maybe just I should share any celebration of life right here. Because precious photos, we may lose it along the way so by placing it here, at least I'd know where to find it. So, here it is, born on the 25th of Aug, my very own sister's first newborn, NAYYIRAH AMIRA!!!!! It's amazing how Allah put so much strength in a mother. To have a mother to carry another weight for nine months, and when it's time, make her withstand the pain of contractions, then having her to push a body out from a small hole which then will tear to a bigger one to make way for the small body to exit, and lastly to stitch everything ba...

I've had several drafts between my last post and this. I don't know why, it's been difficult to do a write-up of the yesterdays. It used to be so easy and simple to express my thoughts, but I guess now that there are more things to think about, these unexplainable feelings, the sensitivity of the topic, the truth and what's not. It's the mid of Syawal but truth be told, I really miss Ramadhan already. I miss those peaceful nights, and I miss those mornings after. Though knowingly what was done in Ramadhan could be and should be continued after, it's different. Nothing is the same. I just hope we could pull this through. It's just been very challenging for us, one after another. I just miss everything being the way it was supposed to be. There were no fear, no hurt, no tears, there was just a lot of love. I miss knowing everything will be fine. I miss everything. I just hope everything will stay the same. But it's just a hope and you'...

Alhamdulillah, I'm still breathing. And I really miss blogging. Talking about my life to nobody because it's the best place for me to express my feelings. Well, I'll be back to post soon. Like 10am soon I guess. That is if I don't go back to sleep hahaha. Miss the soldier. What soldier. HAHAHAHA in my own dreams. Ok bye.

3am thoughts. Well after a long time, this special post is made specifically for the show #GLEE. Every story has an ending, and after a 6 year run, that's where Glee ends. Though I haven't been watching the whole of season 6, I have to admit, I'm pretty devastated and I feel like I've lost something in my life. Maybe to a non-gleek, Glee is just a show. Maybe it's the music that made it different. But to a Glee fan, it's not just a show. It's something that changed us. Well for me, Glee taught me to have the confidence in myself, to aim higher (though it's not showing ha ha) but Glee made me believe in myself more. Also, thanks to Glee, I got to know of these talents and aspire to somehow be like them one day. Especially Darren Criss 😍 If it wasn't for Glee, we all wouldn't get to know Darren and I wouldn't get to know Starkids plus Darren's songwriting talent is just A+++++! It's really nice to know that Darren got ...

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! HAHAHA, sounded too excited there. Anyway yayyyy, a year older! Not wiser, hmm, strange. Alhamdulillah, I've reached this age. It's a bitter sweet feeling to know that I'm old and experienced how fast time flies. Hahaha, that didn't make sense but you know, it's like I still can remember what it was like in 2003(9 years old), when I first gave goodies to my Malay class to let them know that it's my birthday (and then getting to know that Firdaus have the same birthday as me! :0) and now I'm already 21. Well, I could go on forever with that topic of that OMG look at that face you look like my next mistake... HAHAH I meant the topic of oh my goodness how time flies, but still I'm really thankful. Thankful for the beautiful friends I'm surrounded with, thankful for everything I've been given and especially thankful for a family that always have their (big fat) baby protected. My parents have always given me wha...

As my usual tradition at the last few hours of the end of year, I tend to write about the year... So, 2014 Like every year, I wonder where the heck did the year disappeared to HAHAH! Well, for a start, it's been a year since I passed my driving! Which means, no need for P-plate anymore, though I would still want to use it because I'm not really a safe driver and I'm still scared of making turns. Second thing, all my siblings are married now. Hahah, who knew that in a year I could get two sibling-in-laws huh? It's still surreal that just in a blink, my eldest brother and my sister is somebody's husband and wife. (While I'm still not attached so I'm all alone HAHAHA) I went to Korea this year with my sister and her bestfriend, Kak Shahira! Amazing experience indeed! I really miss Everland cos of the fireworks! And I miss Seoul cos of their ice creams and churros! Ahhhh, really want to go back soon! I also went to Phuket with the family whic...