Live your life, ♥

I've been trying to do it right Now as the summer fades, I let you slip away All I knew, this morning as I woke I know you inside, you're feeling so hollow Love that once hung on the wall I stared up at the sun Written in this walls are the stories that I can't explain I was left to my own devices Baby when they look up at the sky Say something, I'm giving up on you It's so surreal. 2013 is ending, in about 21 hours, wow WHERE DID THE YEAR GO REALLY?! And every time Channel 5 starts talking about The Wanted, I'm just urgh so flustered inside because I couldn't see them live in Singapore, AGAIN! Anyway, I'm doing my annual round up of the year. Probably too early in the day but who cares heheh. So 2013, it's somehow the year I get to terms with myself. I mean like really think about life, what's my main aim in life. Blablablabla things like that. Hahaha! And I guess calling myself lucky is an understatement. What ...

It's 3am and time for another rambling session. Yes, I have nothing better to do when I should go out and look for work because my money is clearly depleting. So, listening to Story Of My Life by One Direction now. What's the story of my life? Probably nothing yet. It's sad that I used to remember so much about my past. And I used to think that it was great, that I've actually accomplished quite a lot when I was in school. Slowly, I'm forgetting. In the past, it didn't require much effort to think about what I've gone through in life so far but now, I need awhile to remind myself, that "Hey, I've done that before!" kind of thoughts. Maybe my insomnia is the cause of it and I should probably sleep now... OMG DO YOU SEE HOW I'M JUST RAMBLING ABOUT NOTHING REALLY! I don't even know what the point of this post. Hmm, goodnight. Anyway, here's an interesting short story taken from Tumblr. “If a clock cou...

So I was just randomly listening to Dream On, Glee version which features Matthew Morrison and Neil Patrick Harris and I just love it when Neil got to his verse, such an amazing job right there! Then I looked through the suggestion list in Youtube and thought maybe I should watch the 2013 Tony Award's Opening hosted by Neil Patrick Harris too... BLOWN AWAY LIKE FAR OFF AWAY! Like how amazing is Neil Patrick Harris? And after that all these memories start to flow back into my head. And I'm back thinking about those days on stage. I mean it's like if you give me a choice, without having any restriction, I would likely choose to be a performer. There's just a simple joy to be on stage. Besides the applause or having audience, there's also a moment where I feel like I'm at my very best even though I'm not. I put every ounce of energy to every step, every line and every move and I could really feel passionate to what I was doing. I didn't think...

They say you don’t get over someone until you find someone or something better. As humans, we don’t deal well with emptiness. Any empty space must be filled. Immediately. The pain of emptiness is too strong. It compels the victim to fill that place. A single moment with that empty spot causes excruciating pain. That’s why we run from distraction to distraction—and from attachment to attachment. -Yasmin Mogahed So it's been 2 days since I got back from China. And let me just say I already miss it very much. Not that I don't like being here. I just miss having to meet people every morning till we go back to our own room in the evening. I miss having things to do, like there's a different plan for every single day. I miss having the breeze and fighting the cold, putting my hands in the pockets to keep me warm. I miss not having to care about messing up the bed because there's always someone to help me clean up. I miss feeling the excitement of a new day because t...

I'm going for my holiday today. But I haven't pack. And I'm still scrambling to look for things I still don't have. HAHAHAHAHAH! I don't know why this time I feel like I'm not prepared at all. Like how did I manage myself 2 years ago. Probably because I'm going with my family this time. Like I'm more concern that they don't have the necessities to withstand the cold there. What if it's not that cold...... \ Shall update about Dec when I get back!!!! And I'm looking forward to meeting my friends when I get back! :)

I'm a messy neat person. I like to make a mess. But then I like things to be organised. And in my head, to start organising, I need to start from scratch. So today, I took out every folded clothes in my closet, with the aim to organize it better. I've refolded a few and the rest are still in a huge pile.... In front of me. Hahaha, I'm so horrible really.

1. Do not kill yourself. Killing yourself is very messy and your mother will cry over you. It is not beautiful or brave, and even if it was, you will not be around to see that. 2. Washing your hair is going to be a chore. But you should do it anyway. Because you will feel better about yourself. 3. Get up late. Have a lay in. Sleep past your alarm. You have a very long life ahead of you and for now you should appreciate the cold side of your pillow. 4. He is going to break your heart but he’s just another male human who finds it hard to deal with Mondays, too. So in a month you’ll wake up and you won’t even remember that little scar on his knuckle you kissed. 5. Don’t spend hours looking up what your name means on google. Your name is your name and you should go out there and do heroic and good deeds and give your name your own meaning. 6. Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit down with your demons and have a drink and a chat and learn their n...

Everyday, I tell myself, I'm done. And everyday again, I tell myself I should push on cos I owe it to too many people to do better this time. But what if I disappoint even with the support and it's worse than before? I'm sorry. But sorry is never enough.

I dreamt that I was happy. I had a wonderful husband who showed me so much love and care. And I had 2 beautiful daughters. Then the dream ended.

And it's 3am again, and I'm not asleep, thinking of who you're dreaming of while you sleep peacefully........ Cos I think I'm able to be a songwriter HAHAHA! Anyway, I was just like thinking out of a sudden while I was halfway doing an essay, I've only had 1100+ post for the past 7 years of blogging. I really don't know which issue to address. I mean not like there's any issue at all but for awhile, I've been wanting to delete all the past and start anew. Like still use this blog but make it more neat and easier on the eyes. Well, it's not like anyone reads my blog, my blog is basically about me talking to myself. Like getting these useless thoughts out in the open and whenever I'm feeling messed up, look back at my life and know that I've had worse days and I can get through it. So I think back, why should I ever delete my past. Even though I'm the type of person who remembers a lot about my life for now, And basica...

YAY! I'm the champion of Chocolate Barn can you say whoop whoop! Hahaha! Omg, somebody please slap me cos A's is in 12 well, 11 more days. I tried to do my math paper and I still don't know how to do the questions I don't know, my stats, chem and physics are all over the place and urgh, what the hell is wrong with me. Wait, let me dig a hole and bury myself in it okay. Bye.

Hello. So my life just got interesting overnight. Well, not interesting but I just have all these thoughts in my head I just got to let it out. First, why must there be ants around my netbook? I think if I just open this thing up I would see a colony of them and be all freaked out. Two, I may have insomnia. I'm not sure but I have trouble sleeping at night like I only slept at 8am and woke up at 12.30pm just now like how bad is that? If I screwed my body clock then I would understand but I wonder if it's my body or my mind that is not letting me sleep. At around 6am just now I tried to put myself to sleep but I just didn't want to close my eyes when I really want to sleep for whatever reason and I just couldn't Get To SLEEP! Or maybe I'm just afraid of sleeping at night, trust me, there's a lot of weird thoughts in my head that I literally cried because I thought too deep and I scared myself. Do I have fear of sleeping? Oh the weird questions in ...

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! So after so long, I'm finally back! (not like anybody cares ha ha) Well, not only I'm back to blogging, I also just got back from Bangkok! It was fun, out all day with kakak to shop around, Walked from one end to the other just to check out better deals on the same thing. And getting back to the wonderful Berkeley Hotel and just ahhhhhhh, sleep. So anyway, I've had fun meeting my friends for the past two weeks that not meeting them for this week made me miss them so much. HAHAHAHA. I'm serious. That's why I can't wait for December!!! I don't think I'll be able to meet my friends anymore like I'm rushing for timeeeeeee! (Ok if I'm rushing for time, why am I here ho ho) So another big news, my sister (InsyaAllah) will get engaged next month. I'm so happy for her but at the same time, I'm gonna lose a friend at home. Plus a room. I'm like thinking of where I could place a partition...

You would think that at my second rry, I would get better. I would know how to get this done. I would try harder. The truth is I'm not getting better, I don't know how to get this done and I'm not trying harder. I'm just lost. And I'm scared. What did I put myself into?

I apologise to my friends who are reading for I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I don't know what's in me. There are some days that I don't feel right. I don't feel positive about myself. I feel like I'm worthless. I feel like everything I do is wrong. I feel like I should just be away from everyone for the better of everyone. And maybe I should just go. I'm sorry and good bye. bawa aku pergi pacu laju-laju kita lari dari realiti bawa aku pergi pacu laju lagi malah kita tak perlu kembali

It's raining heavily and I feel like writing something emotional. It has been raining heavily for the past few days. No. It's okay, I have other things to do HAHAH. In any case, do remember: "The doors of Heaven to mercy will be opened in four situations: when it rains, when a child looks kindly at his parent's face, when the door of the Ka'bah is opened, and when marriage (occurs)." So, Alhamdulillah for the rain :)

I went to NUS today and my parents asked why. I told them I wanted to doa so I could get there next year. So, tomorrow I'm going for the parade if my parents ask why, what should I say? Cakap nak doa dapat kahwin ah HAHAHAHA!

HELLLLLLOO! It's been a long time eh? Almost coming to the end of Syawal hahah. Had an awesome raya, even though it ended early for my family. First day felt different because my married brothers didn't come. But my father's side came for raya and it felt more vibrant than previous raya. Even my uncle's ex-wife came to visit and I'm reunited with my cousins! My brothers came on the 4th of Syawal and it was like the first day of raya again! Then on the 17th, I went out with DAHINAF for raya! Ended early for that one too but it was more tiring than before despite travelling by cabs instead of buses for most trips! Hahahah, dah kaya And we watched Azpirasi too and plays buanga api afterwards! Because no matter what, you have the right to feel young. On Sunday, my mother's side came over. My father fell sick on that day and had a really bad stomachache. It didn't stop for the next two days and he got admitted to the hospital on Tuesday. Y...

Tomorrow is the start of Syawal and the end of Ramadhan. Hmm. Well, for starters, my house is still in a big mess. I didn't make any kuih this year. I've been trying to clean up this room for a month and we just have too many clothes and stuff in this house! Most of the times I wished that I was some sort of a wizard and at a snap of my fingers, I could have this place all cleaned up! HAHAH. Despite all of that, I decided I should take a break for a while....like 3 hours or something heheh. So let me give you an update on my iftars this Ramadhan. Family wise, we didn't breakfast outside, only once at brother's house to celebrate Kak Wiyah's and Alisha's birthday. And I went out with My hollaback girls(Atq, Jnh, Halima & Basy) on the 16th July to celebrate Halima's advance birthday at Nandos, SJS(Ain, Shirin, Azimah and Jnh wasn't there sadly) on the 18th July to watch Despicable Me and had breakfast at Manhattan Fish Market, DAHINAF(D...

So good news just in! Actually no, at 6.19pm.... AHMAD ZAKI BIN SUFIAN meets the world! This is such an exciting news! I mean he's not the first cucu but he's definitely the first boy! Only god knows how much his parents went through to get him and he will be such a blessing to our family. And yay cos Cik Nasj got a boyfriend hahaha perasan siol ! Ok well, that's all for now.. And I'm also in the midst of cleaning up for a new room. Yes, yes, I can see it now! Heheh happy Sunday it is!

Well, if you haven't heard it yet (you're probably not a gleek and don't care haaaaaah), Cory Monteith passed away on the 13th of July in US and 14th in Singapore. I was informed by Iffa right after my tuition, and to me at that moment, it was devastating. In my head, it was just like how will Glee continue like this, Season 5 was supposed to be the return of Finn Hudson after being missing in the last 2 episodes of Season 4 due to his rehab, I was so looking forward to see more of Finchel and most of all, I was concerned about how Lea Michele will react. It was like, I just got to know about Blake Jenner (character: Ryder Lynn, winner of TGP2) and Melissa Benoist (character: Marley Rose) getting engaged a day before the death. That already threw me off, because I knew that Blake and Melissa had different partners before Glee and it was sad that they broke up and got together because of Glee. And getting engaged, plus Melissa is a few years older than Blake.....like...

Hello everyone! Have you ever had that one day that you just do things you won't expect yourself to do or get the opportunity to do? HAHAH! Well, yesterday, I had one of those #yolo night. So it started when I met Iffa for Muara, which I was so late! (SO SORRY!) Then we had dinner and talked and all. Brought her to MBS and watched the sunset HAHAHA so romantic ah both of us. Kidding! After that, we had to go back to Esplanade and we were scared that we will miss Azpirasi so we RAN back to esplanade, Iffa with her heels and all!!!! #yolo Met Diana and Hizran there. Then I met Amirah and we got bored of the show, plus Diana had to leave soon too, so we all went to our favourite hangout branch for a munch! As Diana and Hizran went off, the rest of us decided to go back to the show. But well, girls' instinct, we should probably walk around and take photos HAHA. Our first stop was the Merlion Park. Sat down to watch the waterworks in front of MBS. Took some ...

Have you ever just sat down, with your knees to your chest, staring into blank space and feel like you either went back in time or move forward to the future? I don't know. Maybe because of the not getting into uni thing this year that I'm just constantly trying to find what I want in my future. Because they say if you don't what you want, how are you going motivate yourself to get what you want because you don't know what you want so how could you get motivated to get something you don't know? That was a repeated statement hahah. I always believe I'm the type of person who goes with the flow. Because I can't get what I want, probably because (no, I mean absolutely because) I don't work hard enough. But somehow, I found a goal. And that is to repay my parents and my siblings. And today, I thought of how much my dad paid for me... From my daily allowances to which became monthly and I haven't include the times I needed extra money becaus...

I wish the sound of your name would be just a sound. That it wouldn't trigger any feelings that still lingers around. That it wouldn't make me wish for anything more. But like a friend said in 2008, when you like someone, no matter what happens, there's still 1% of you that still have feelings for them. And I hope this isn't true. I hope I can soon move on, and meeting you won't give that awkward feeling. And getting a text from you wouldn't mean anything than just a text. . . . . . . . My whole life, when I write about something that's bothering me, it's, without a doubt, would be about guys I'm crushing on. Sian, and I'm already 19. When will I grow up... And soon, I will be 20 and 21 and 22 and then 23... I need to start giving love to people that give me love. But it's funny isn't it? We always give our love to somebody who don't give a damn about us. We always get it wrong, but it's tough. Co...

Yes, so the latest news in Singapore, our PSI has reached record breaking news!!! And congrats to us, we've even hit 400 or some said 666 because that was the 3-hour average. Yet, this was nothing to be joked about. Every concerned people in Singapore made their purchase of the face masks, it was getting harder to breathe, the smell of smoke, outdoors and indoors, it was at point where some Singaporeans are getting crazy worried, especially for people with asthma. Alhamdulillah, the PSI has decreased to 143, still unhealthy but at least much healthier than what we had before. Hopefully, it will get back to the healthy range because I really want to go swimming next week! And I know Singaporeans love to complain more than anything else, but to complain about the Singapore's government was unacceptable. Could you imagine the heavy load of everyone's hope on the government? I mean it is their job but they tried everything they could to talk to the Indonesia's...

Hello! So I'm currently at Darwin transit airport. I'm really so glad that there's (FREE) internet here. Couldn't get any free internet in Cairns even though they say it's wi-fi? Anyway, it's been great in Australia. Cold everyday like even when it's hot. But I didn't get to see my koala or kangaroo. Haizz, really wanted to go kuranda but sigh, it's okay. We went for a hike instead to see Mossman Gorge. Beautiful! But it was awkward for me because my brother rent a car and then invited his friends... all they talk about was the IRONMAN race. HAHA. Speaking of IRONMAN, I'm really proud of my brother who managed to pass his friends even though he was the last few to get out of the water for the swim. Completing everything in 14hours. That must be crazy. All of them ironmen and ironwomen are crazy! Okay, so for the last event of Cairns was snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef! Hated the ride to there because I vomited 3 tim...

Hiiiiii, It's been awhile and guess what? I'm blogging from AUSTRALIA RIGHT NOW! Ohh, I love it here. The weather's always cold even when the sun is scorching hot. Besides the always rainy weather, everything's fine here mate! It's only been 2 days. I really wanted to actually use whatsapp but seems like....hmm. I don't know how to use the wifi here. Like we have to but this smart timer card to use the internet. Maybe I should try but. Okay I only have twenty minutes left. Every 30 minutes is SGD $2. Hahahaha, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just excited. I thought the people here were gonna be rude and all that. Those are just lies. The people here are friendly and so lovely. Gonna be here for another 6 days. Then I'm back to Singapore. :( Just don't like the weather there. Other than that it's fine cos it's expensive here. Crazy expensive. Food cost like $10, difficult to find any cost below t...

I'm really nervous for tomorrow. I don't know anything. I don't know what to expect, what to do. It's my first lesson but what if I'm too afraid till I screw up during my first lesson? Always freaking out when I think about driving. I want my license, but I don't know if I'm capable of this. I mean, I've always been in the (literally) back seat, watching my dad drive us around. Always wanting to seat in the front passenger seat because I want to pretend I'm driving too. And this is it, finally. I can help dad to fetch the car from high level carparks, he no longer have to climb up those flight of stairs. But what am I saying? I'm only going for my first lesson tomorrow. I hope I don't screw up and I will like my driving instructor. Bismillah. Talking about screw ups, I finally got my rejection letters. What a good laugh, such a joke. Now I can take on any rejection, bring it on hehs. I'm just kidding. I'm still...

Signs. I've been seeing signs everywhere. And it doesn't feel right. Tell her I miss our little talks.

Why? Why do they look at me like I'm spoilt. Why do they look at me like I'm selfish. Why do they look at me and say I'm sensitive. Why do they look at me and say I'm full of anger. Why do they look at me like I'm not independent. Why do they look at me like I'm afraid of everything. Why do they look at me like I'm, like I'm stupid? They have a way of belittling me. They have a way of making me feel so insecure. Am I really spoilt, am I really sensitive, am I really full of anger, am I really timid, am I really stupid? Maybe I am. That's why I'm not smart enough to get into a good secondary school like SCSS or BPGH. That's why I'm not smart enough to get into SAJC or at least JJC. That's why I'm not smart enough to even get into any local uni because I'm stupid. I should have grown up by now. I should be more responsible. And I've done a lot that they've never seen before. Still, all they see m...

Hi, I just came back from Semarak Temasek. Firstly, I got so dumb and confident that it was at Tampines JC. Like HELLO NAJ! TEMASEK? TEMASEK DIDNT GIVE YOU A CLUE???? But I got lucky that they haven't start the competition yet. And I still get to watch PJC perform!!!! Awww, my juniors all so pretty :D And the performances were amazing! Seriously! I mean like the top 3 really deserved top 3! And then going back home, Amirul told me about how the dancers are now learning serampang 12 and my heart got shot again. HAHAH! I think if I'm a flower, all my petals would have dropped every time I watch performances by people I have performed with. Sorry this will be about me again but yeah, I JUST MISS BEING ON STAGE!!! T.T I miss dancing for people and for myself, I miss acting and playing a different character from myself and I've never really sang on stage except for primary school national day performance when I performed on stage with my moves and voice....

It's 1.09 am. So I can very well say that I've spent the whole day at home in front of the computer, worrying about my life today. Updates: Academic wise, I'll just have to wait. I already applied for retake in case I don't get posted to Uni, then if I don't I shall appeal first and I still think it won't be successful, I shall really consider to pay the price to retake or just let people pay me by getting a job. Conclusion: I just have to wait. Then I'm really going to take PDL later so I can start on my driving lesson to get my license! Final Theory is on 27th May. By then after I pass it(yes, must pass it on first attempt please Naj!) I hope I could get a test date for practical fast! Seems like if I can pass in May, my earliest TP date will be in August if I'm lucky but if not, around mid-Sept! Then I hope I can finally drive for real so my dad don't have to climb the stairs anymore and I can bring the car down for him! Hmm now...

There are so many questions in my head right now, I think I should ask.fm myself ha ha ha. Being in this adolescent life sucks so bad because I really don't know what I want or what I really need to do. I have a strong feeling that I won't get a place in uni because if I did, I would actually have gotten some sort of interview and the fact that one week has already passed and I'm still not shortlisted, it's the end. So in my mind, I'm wondering if I should retake A's or should I just go for SIM. The clock is ticking and I really need to do things fast. I could retake but the chance of me getting better or at least the same result is slim. It was by luck that I actually passed my Chemistry and GP so what if I don't this time? I don't want to waste money or time in doing something that will get me back to where I am. But then again, I could just apply and if things change, just don't pay and my application is considered null. Somehow, I k...

“ A man who dares to waste one hour of life has not discovered the value of life. ” ~ Charles Darwin So just an hour ago, I was staring at twitter. Thinking what I should do, if there was anything I should be doing but just procrastinating. And apparently, there's really nothing to do. I just have to wait. Wait for somebody to start a conversation. Wait for any important emails from anywhere. Wait for letters that would change my life. Waiting is really somehow depressing. Because there's nothing else you can do other than wait. And as the above quote said, I don't know what is the value of life yet. I've just been doing a lot of thinking and nothing to help myself. Like what should I do this Saturday? I already said I'm going back to help. And then my brother suddenly asked me to help out in his work assuming I'm free. And I'm not free. But I won't be earning anything, just giving my time away. So is life all about money? I mean, ...

Okay so here's my plan for today: Initially wanted to wake up before Subuh and made a banner which I'll put outside my house and have the candles and stuff for my sister birthday. That didn't work out because I slept. HAHAH. So now, I've cooked pancakes for her, shall do a video and give her gifts at 3pm, at the time she was born. Well, I have a tiara which I want her to use throughout the day after 3pm. No need to wrap her present so yeah, hopefully things work out fine later ;) Anyway, 2 days ago, I went to Singapore Indoor Stadium to watch....wait for it..... THE SCRIPT LIVE! Initially I had plans to spend the afternoon with my nieces and then to go for the concert but then my family is (forever/always/for eternity) late so by the time I reached Ang Mo Kio, it was already 6pm and I was supposed to meet Jannah at 6.30pm at Bishan. Had to leave my family and rushed to Bishan. We talked about how it would be so weird and awkward to scream and shout ...